"Uncle Dave" Swint is a writer for Fat City News
William Jefferson Clinton has grown accustomed to living his life under the
microscopic scrutiny of the press. But Washington is built on a foundation of
secrets, confidential information, classified communiques and outright lies,
and the 42nd president of the United States still has a few secrets he has
been able to keep out of the light of day.
One of those secrets was alluded to in a sort of sideways manner during the
long campaign for the presidency. Asked if he had ever smoked pot, Clinton
replied that he had, but he "didn't inhale." And while he was roundly
criticized for giving what sounded like a lame and weasely answer to a tough
(albeit stupid) question, Clinton was telling the truth. But it was not the
entire truth.
The entire truth is this: Clinton didn't inhale because Clinton cannot
inhale, at least not in any conventional manner. Bill Clinton has been
physically incapable of inhaling through his nose or mouth since a childhood
accident involving a sledgehammer, a bowling ball and a dozen M-80
firecrackers.
Doctors had precious few options when the young Clinton was wheeled into the
Mercy Hospital emergency room in Little Rock. After a tense consultation
between Dr. Maria Lopez-Galt, a respiratory specialist, Dr. Harlan Marsh, an
eye, ear, nose and throat specialist and Dr. Wade Bonnet, a proctologist, a
radical procedure was given the green light.
Surgeons went to work, reconstructing Clinton's respiratory system. Canals
were constructed and rerouted, blood supplies were diverted. After 11 hours
of intensive surgery, the operation was complete. When the bandages were
removed, Clinton could breathe again - through a specially-constructed
aperture next to his rectum.
Clinton completed his physical therapy with the characteristic ease of a
healthy and adaptable youngster, and he was up and breathing in no time.
That's not to say that the recovery route was without it's challenges. The
young Clinton had to switch over to loose-fitting underwear and pants to
allow for unobstructed breathing. Baths became impossible, and Clinton had to
switch over to showers. Sitting for long periods became almost impossible,
and he had to learn to alternate sitting postures from one buttock to another
to allow for normal respiration.
Yet for all its challenges, the new breathing arrangement allowed for a
number of advantages. Swimming became a simple exercise as long as Clinton
kept his lower portions above water. He was able to win a number of "all you
can eat" competitions, as he didn't have to stop eating to take a breath. The
saxophone was an easy instrument to learn, and Clinton had the advantage of
not having to stop playing to take a breath.
Kids will be kids, and Clinton tried his hand at smoking cigarettes. The
nicotine stains in his underwear and cigarette burns on his buttocks made
this a very short-lived phase.
As high school gave way to college, Clinton found himself entering a new
phase of life. The 1960s ushered in a tumultuous era for the American
consciousness, and nowhere was this felt more intensely than the college
campuses. As a young man away from home at Georgetown University, Clinton,
like thousands of young Americans across the country, had the opportunity to
experiment with an edge of life he'd only heard about in whispers back at
home.
And yes, marijuana was a part of that experimentation.
The catch phrase at the informal parties that cropped up on campus at
Georgetown was "Don't hit the joint if Clinton had it last." There was no one
brave enough (and rarely even stoned enough) to be next in line behind Bill
Clinton for the joint, bong or hookah.
But Clinton always had plenty of Oreos to go around.
