The Nature of Hell

Props to our gonzo friend of many years, Brett (remember Gold Coast Digital?). I did a search on Google and could find no mention of the woman named except in the context of the joke, which has been translated into a lot of languages.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing over time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave; therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions of the world. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This allows for two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So is it #1 or #2? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you." -- and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in winning Ms. Banyan's affections, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am certain Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" on the exam. (author unknown)