I was bored. Nothing on T.V. but a fat lady hawking ice cream to kids sitting in a circle
around the dead body of Barney the purple dinosaur. I tried to loosen up and the day was
just begining. I was already late for my first assignment for what you are reading now,
and I was dangerously low on supplies. I had to venture out into the world of super
influenced teens who think they are Shaq, Micheal, or Dennis. I was in no mood for that
foolishness, I had a job to do. What the job was, I had no idea, but it was a good one.
I thought of making prank phone calls, but caller ID fucked that up for me before I
even started.
"What are you in for man?"
"Calling Connie Chung on the phone and
asking if I could have a pair of her soiled underwear. You?"
"Murder." The giant
inmate snarls as the lights blink out in the cell.
Goddamn technology. I thought of
Bart Simpson and wondered if Moe would ever get caller ID. I hope not.I had decided
when I opened the front door that whatever it was I was going to do, I had to pull out all
of the stops and go all the way. I turned up the radio in the black volare I drove out of
poverty and drove to the party store two blocks away.
A group of teen age boys (all of
them wearing basketball jerseys) were hanging out by the door, looking at me. As I
walked to the door, they blocked my path. A tall red-haired kid spoke to me as he
pointed at my chest. All four of them were standing with their arms folded across their
chest, like a white Run DMC posse.
"What you doing around here, freak?" His voice
crackled with puberty.
I looked at the suburban teenagers with disgust. "Looking for
some meat to feed my pitbulls." I moved my shirt aside to show them my .38 snub nose
that was tucked into the waistband of my jeans.
They all turned white and got on
their bikes and rode quickly away. I smiled as I watched the punks peddle madly,
looking behind them to make sure I wasn't following them. I took out the snub nose and
lit a cigarette with it. Gosh, why would americais youth be so scared of a lighter? I
know itis not child-proofed, but come on, lighters are your friends.
I went into the store
and the owner was on me in an instant, saying that his store is smoke free and that I
should put it out immediately. I complied without thinking, and then I
stopped.
"What are you gonna do call the cops on me for smoking?" I asked him,
pulling down the mirrored sunglasses, eyeing him.
My eyes must have scared him,
because he jumped like a junkie at a police convention and then he said, "Please do not
smoke here. It is bad for you and me."
I bought my beer and whiskey, inwardly
remarking how the store owner blew a nut cause I was smoking in his store. There it
was. The "Story."
Hunger gripped me like a sumo wrestler and I could think of no
better place to unfold the "Story."
It was about three in the afternoon when I pulled
into the Pizza Hut. There were a couple of people there, but it didnit matter. I stood at
the sign that read "Please wait to be seated." A blonde dumpy-looking waitress smiled a
plastic smile and asked, "How many today?"
"Fourteen." I said, then bent closer
to her, I"'m a bit early, the rest of them will be by shortly." I winked and nodded like
you see in the movies. She seemed to understand.
"Will that be smoking, or
non-smoking?" The plastic smile returned.
"Oh, definitely non-smoking."
Follow me. She said over her shoulder and walked to the middle of the dining
room.She showed me to a long table and asked if she could get me anything. I told her
to get me a pitcher of beer and four glasses. She said all right, obviously she was used to
working with drunks and other malcontents.I was about half done with my pitcher when
I decided it was time for chaos. I pulled out a cigarette and the snub nose. I lit the
cancer stick and blew out a thick plume of smoke straight up towards the ceiling. I
looked around, not knowing what to expect. I heard a gasp and saw the waitress making
a bee line for me. I braced for the storm.
"You canit smoke here. You even asked for
this section." she said as if she was talking to a fussy child.
"You asked me what
section I wanted to sit in, not if I was going to smoke or not." I smiled, inhaled deeply
and blew smoke at her.She threw her arms up in disgust and walked back to the
kitchen. I won round one, round two would be with "THE MANAGER"
THE
MANAGER walked briskly out from the kitchen with the disgusted waitress in tow. He
stood in front of me, his hands firmly placed on his hips. I almost expected him to start
tapping his toe like you see on cartoons.
"Sir, there is no smoking in this section," the squat
greasy haired manager said very officially.
"I'm afraid Iim going to have to ask you to move to the smoking section".
"I like it were I'm at." I smiled at him and
drank more beer.He leaned close to me and with a serious look on his face said,
"Look here you fuckin' asshole, get the fuck outta here or Iim gonna drag your ass out
back and beat the snot outta you."
"There is a lot of love in this room," I said and
blew him a kiss. I had a foot on him and I knew that he knew Iid sue the fuck outta him.
I wasnit scared of this punk, I was on a mission.
"That's it, I'm calling the cops." He
said and stormed off.Now that was going a little bit far in my book.
(PART TWO: THINGS GET REALLY DICEY)
