More Bill Clinton Jokes

Page added sometime 1998-1999

Recent Clinton Riddles & More

Q: What was Clinton's last gift to Monica?
A: Spot remover.

Q: What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
A: An intern with braces.

Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird? It's going to be the spread eagle.

Q: What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
A: Lays

Q: What did Clinton say when Paula Jones went public with her story?
A: "NOW she decides to open her mouth!"

Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."

The most recent reports of the stain on Monica's dress have been released. This whole thing seems to be a vast right-hand conspiracy.

Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."

Hillary is planning to install the latest security device on Bill's zipper. It's called Blo-jack.

*****************
As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker:

"Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"

*****************
A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?"

"No," he responded, "She was on her knees."

prez seal

I don't know who did this cartoon, but if you would like me to remove it, just LMK. Ahhh now, who was it that wrote "Off, unbutton here"?

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having".

Contest Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a limerick.

Contestants' Entries:

Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice to be blown.

Entry # 4
There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
She confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." *

* Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the ballet dancer (whoa! ROFL, ever see pix of both ;-)).

The Pope, OJ Simpson and Bill Clinton were in a boat when it started to sink.

"Women and children first!" cried the Pope.
"F--k the women." said OJ.
"Think we have enough time?" asked Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school one day to promote one of his education bills. He was talking to a classroom of kids and asked them if they knew what a tragedy is. One little boy said "A tragedy would be if a school bus full of kids ran off a road and everybody died." Mr. Clinton responded, "No, that would be an accident." Shocked, the class was silent for a moment when a bright young girl stood up and said, "A tragedy would be if all the teachers in the world quit teaching." Clinton thought for a moment and then said, "No, that would be a great loss." Finally another boy stood up and said, "A tragedy would be if the President was in an airplane and it crashed and he died." Clinton smiled and said, "Good job, now that would be a tragedy. Can you explain to the class why that would be a tragedy?" The little boy responded by saying, "Well, it probably wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

This one is kind of tasteless, but:

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk". The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk". The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled "Not Milk".

This one is sickeningly cute:

One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heart-broken.

After eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.

"Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious!

She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

President Clinton's Deposition
by Dr. Seuss

Starr-I-Are.

I'm here to ask,
As you'll soon see...
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there...
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far...
I did not do that
Starr-you-are!

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
The girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-you-are...
I think that you
Have gone too far!
I will not answer
Any more...
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!
The public's easy
To distract
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!

Monica's Statement is a dandy!

Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire.....

AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.

"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

"Thank you."

Monica Lewinsky